Why I Left Preschool Crying...

This was going to be my “oh how sweet it is-my son just started preschool" post. That’s exactly what it would’ve read like if I had posted yesterday…like I had planned. During a very relaxing birthday lunch with my youngest son, Zealand, I decided I would ask Trina to switch days with me – and she did!  After picking up my Luke today, however, I have a different experience to write about.

Trina wrote about the grandiose visions of our children that we have in our minds in her post Unreasonable Expectations. Our kid will be the perfect one…they are the best, after all. On Monday night, I was filling out his preschool information sheet.  One of the questions asked “What do you feel your child does really well at?” Why, everything, of course. I mean, he’s outgoing, smart, compassionate, helpful, etc. I even mentioned they could pair up a shy student with him because he has leadership potential and his kind heart will let that other child know he really cares.

When I dropped him off that very first morning, he practically escorted me out of the room.  I promised I’d be back after quiet time to pick him up and he just waved “bye” with a excited smile on his face. When I came back to pick him up, right at two, he ran to my arms beaming. The teacher’s assistant came up to me and exclaimed how much fun Luke was and how sweet.  His daily sheet even said - and I quote - "MY OVERALL DAY WAS - with the following handwritten WONDERFUL!"  I was so proud!  We went out to celebrate his great behavior with some ice cream.

This morning when he found out he was going back to school, he threw his clothes on and was ready to walk out the door an hour before we had to leave.  Again, I kissed him good-bye and he scampered off to play with his classmates. 

At 2pm, I walked into his classroom.  His teacher smiled a soft smile and tired eyes.

I asked with a smile, “how was Luke today?” I knew the answer would be pretty much the same as yesterday. But, to my shock and dismay, she said, “he did better today.”  Better than fun and sweet and wonderful??

“What?” I asked. “I thought he did well yesterday.”

“Well, he had problems at naptime. He didn’t want to sleep and he wouldn’t sit still. He screams for you so loud he was disturbing the other classes.”

What??!!! My Luke?!

Seeing the tears form in my eyes, my face flushed, she reassured, “This is just the second day!  Don’t worry! We’ll get there!” She placed her hand on my shoulder.

I took my boys home, crying the whole way and wondering where I went wrong as a mom. Clueless as to how I could fix it.

Thank goodness for friends with older kids who have been through these experiences and witnessed their children growing up just fine. I’ve calmed down a bit and I’m ready to take this challenge for my boy who is a good boy! Just like all of us, he’s got some lessons to learn…and so do I!

Optimistic? Or Just Plain Dumb Parenting?

It's amazing how dumb we can be as parents.  I mean, seriously.  It's as my good friend Iryna always says; insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.  I'm pretty sure I've gone way beyond insane...a long time ago!

For example, I've learned time and time again that no matter what toy the kids get (and regardless of how much they loved it at a friends house) they will only play with it a few times and then it will sit in the toybox.  The only exception to this rule is Clayton's toy trucks.  All the other toys, including the kid computers so he will stop banging on my keyboard, collect dust.  Yet somehow, in desperate times of bribery, I will purchase Callie another barbie, almost identical to her other 600 plastic dolls, in hopes it may buy me quiet time or whatever it is I need.

Or, for example, the playset we have in our backyard.  It cost a pretty penny, and took many man-hours and a lot of effort to get put together.  Shannon even made a sandbox out of the area, and to me, it looked like kiddie-playland heaven.  I just knew they'd play on it for hours and hours...I'd have to drag them off of it.  Of course, the excitement lasted a few days, and now, we have to urge them to play on it.  They'd rather scale the huge, dangerous boulders behind the playset.  Of course!  How predictable.

Another great example is our most recent trip to the library.  I knew Clayton would be a handful (as he always is in new environments), but figured he'd get excited about the animal books, like he does at home and calm down enough to maybe even get Callie to be able to do pre-school reading time.  Ha!  He was so excited about the "new" funland, he screamed and ran around like a wild barbarian, climbing and jumping off chairs. I couldn't get him to look at a book, let alone let me read him one.  Luckily, Callie got a few books picked out before we got kicked out.

And, the other day I was taking both kids to see a dear old friend with my mom.  She has horses, and Callie misses having horses so much.  I knew Clayton would be super excited as well, and expected a fun-filled day.  When we got there, both kids took off immediately to explore.  Clayton fell down and hurt himself, crying for at least ten minutes.  Callie hadn't slept well in days and was snarky, talking back and exhausting my patience.  Clayton didn't want me to hold him around the horses- Mr. Independent wanted to pet them like sissy was, all by himself.  So I was constantly on edge, wondering who would get stepped on first.

For the fourth of July, we are going camping with some friends.  I picture us hiking and fishing, making smores (somehow, there is a fire ban...) and swimming together in the lake.  Only the slightly intelligent side speaks from somewhere beneath telling me that the heat is going to wipe us out (it's been in the 100's); the younger girls aren't going to go down for naps and thus they are going to be nightmares...and that the dust and grime caked on my kids is nearly going to be enough to send me over the edge.

Is it my optimistic side that comes out or are other parents like me and we just continue to practice dumb parenting?  I'm not sure, but I do know one thing; I always see the glass as half-full, so to be realistic when it comes to child-rearing could only mean being negative...which just isn't in my blood.

I'll continue buying Callie her barbies or whatever when she deserves a toy, because that's what she wants, no matter how often she plays with them.  The smile on her face and her excitement is well worth the stack of growing plastic in our toys bins.  I'll keep taking Clayton to the library, hoping practice and discipline brings better behavior- and look forward to the day he'll sit and let me read him that book, a day I'll cherish.  I'll continue to look forward to these camping or other family trips with friends - as though it will be the time of our lives, regardless of how the previous trip might have went.

Parenting is insanity, period.  Let us at least continue to be optimistic and look forward to each day, regardless of what experience might teach us.  ~Trina

Teach Your Children Respect and Expect No Less!

“Luke’s been pretty bossy lately,” I said.  My girlfriends nodded, empathetically – they’ve all been there at some time in some way. “I keep trying to tell him that he can’t tell us “no” and he most certainly cannot talk back. He seriously thinks he’s running the show at home.” I took a gulp of my Azunia Fresh Lime Margarita, I knew with the first sip that I was glad I ordered that instead of my usual cerveza.  Then Sam spoke up, “Isn’t he running your house? Three-year-olds think they run the show.  It’s about respect. If you teach him that it is what is expected of him-don’t bargain with him. Be consistent and keep at it.  He will learn.” 

It was if the clouds in the sky parted and the sun was finally able to shine through.  I even heard harps playing. Respect.  Of course!  I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been raising him with respect.  I’m a very respectful mom, letting him voice his opinions and make choices in his day; even allowing him to wear his Batman shirt for the 5th day in a row. I guess it’s that I hadn’t thought he needed to be taught respect.  As he’s growing, sometimes it just seems like he’s catching on to so much automatically that I think he should just know instinctively how to be.  Don’t they know they should always be kind and giving and respectful and helpful?  That its just good to be that way?  But, they only know what they see and can only grow if someone is showing them the way.

So I started reading up on respect (10 Tips onTeaching Respect to Children: You can't get it if you don't give it! and Talking back: Why it happens andwhat to do about it) and I stopped letting things slide.  We can have such long days when we’re home with the kiddos.  Until lately, after the 7th time of “No, I don’t want to!” I’m tired of dealing with it and just throw my hands up and try to distract him without teaching him!  But I can’t give up!  I need to work on this through the 14th “No!” and then maybe tomorrow there will only be 7.  And the next day 4.  When finally one day he’s not saying it anymore.

Another friend of mine said so bluntly, “If you don’t change this behavior now, you’ll have a back-talking, sassy 15-year-old who really is running your house.” With that said, I’m on a mission.  I will have children who respect my husband and I because we treat them with respect and expect (another key word – teach expectations) no less from them.  We will be those parents who can just give them the look when we’re out in public to keep them in line.  And hopefully, they will be those kids who will enjoy our company as they get older because we have seen them and treated them as people, the amazing individuals that they are.

In the meantime, we have a lot of modeling and teaching to do.  In the course, this will make me a better person because I have to keep my own temper in check and keep calm even in a chaotic day.  I will keep reading about how to teach respect and provide positive discipline.  I will meet up with my girlfriends often (not only providing relief and relaxation – but advice that can just bring a turning point into your child-rearing world).  As Dr. Robyn Silverman wrote,

“Teaching respect takes patience, time and willingness to do as you preach. Time isn’t everything though, is it? It takes years to rear a respectful child and only moments to fill one with anger and disrespect. Which one do you choose?”

Unreasonable Expectations

How did I picture preschool for my child?  Just like everything else I imagine.  All happy-go-lucky, with roses and sugar-coated cherries on top. 

     Don’t we all picture our children’s lives this way?  Perfect?  We are going to be the best parents, have the smartest children, the greatest home-lives.  And then when reality hits we don’t know what went wrong.

     I dropped Callie off for her first day of preschool with a grin on my face and a tear in my eye.  How did we get here already I wondered?  That afternoon I got a follow-up letter when I picked her up telling me how wonderful my little girl was and how much happiness and enthusiasm she contributed to the group.  A mental check mark in my brain as an early parenting success scored. 

     It wasn’t until mere weeks later I learned that Callie was having a few issues.  Her pretty blonde teacher met me at the door with an optimistic smile on her face that could only mean trouble.  The way she started was classic: “Callie is such an addition to our group; so charming and full of life…but…you should know there are some things we are working on.”

     She proceeded to tell me in a no less bubbly manner that my daughter was having some trouble listening, and had been caught telling a lie as well as stealing.  Yes, a young criminal I had on my hands already. 

     I drove home in tears.  My terrible parenting had surely led to a future drug-abuser, jail-bird, schizophrenic, and possibly even worse.  What was I to do?

     After sifting through my self-pity filled loathing party, my dear friend convinced me that stealing a sea shell and lying by saying she hadn’t hit a boy didn’t deem my daughter a future sociopath or drug dealer.  She was simply like all other typical four-year-olds…she was finding herself and learning about the do’s and don’ts of toddlerhood.  Just because I’d let her watch too many episodes of SpongeBob, and  even Jurassic Park in her dinosaur-loving days…didn’t mean I was a terrible parent.

    I think the dreams we let ourselves strive towards as parents are what sets us up for failure.  When we don’t reach our impossible goals we’ve set for ourselves when raising our little ones-we automatically are plagued by guilt and assume every small failure our children face is that of our own mistakes and parenting mishaps. 

   Let’s stop being so hard on ourselves as mommies.  Callie is beyond smart; to the point it scares me sometimes.  I will do my best to guide her and love her…and know that while neither of us is perfect and we will make mistakes, we are doing our best.  And…the best is simply all we can do! 

*Trina