The New Vacation - Life After Baby

“The New Vacation” is a peek inside the experience of many a new mothers this summer. No doubt, these  moms are looking forward to what they remember as vacation pre-baby to find out that no matter who is accompanying them, she is still the mom.  Vacation isn’t what it used to be...

The New Vacation

Webster’s dictionary defines it as “a respite.”  And that’s what I’ve always experienced in my annual beach vacations since I was a child.  Should I have known that it’d be different now that I had a child?  Well…not exactly.  I mean, I tallied the family and friends that would be there.  No doubt excited to hold and play with a baby so I’d get the ample relaxation I’ve worked hard for over the past 10 months.  I imagined sitting on the beach, gazing at the ocean (or a People magazine) while my little babe slept in that nifty beach tent I bought last week.  Visions of those wonderful guiltless vacation dinners swirled in my mind with images of Grandma or Grandpa entertaining our son as my husband and I sat back with a glass of wine.  I also pictured my baby so exhausted from the day’s events that he’d fall asleep at bed-time and sleep through the night. 

   The following is what vacation actually felt like this year.

   We arrived at the hotel just in time to unwind and catch up with family for a bit before going out for a casual dinner.  Prepared with milk and a variety of Gerber jars, we enjoyed cheeseburgers and fries at one of our favorite ocean front joints.  Near the end, just when he started to get fussy, Grandma took him outside to get some fresh air and to look at the tiki lights.  So far…so good.

   Back at the resort, I lay with our son as he guzzled a bottle of milk and drifted off to slumber.  We had a Pack N Play just the right size for him and I’d made sure to pad it with plenty of fluff, including his favorite blanket and his stuffed doggie.  Other familiarities of home included his turtle nightlight and a fan for noise.  I was so prepared!!!  I joined my parents, their best friends and my husband for a board game and some cervezas.  But I was shocked to find that with every excited shout, or high-five or tipsy burst of laughter, I tensed up. 

   Don’t wake up my baby, I thought.  Don’t they realize how loud they’re being?  Don’t they know who has to spend an hour getting him back to sleep if they wake him?  If I did join in on the fun, it’d be with a hushed giggle or just a nervous smile.  I wanted to cry.  Maybe if I showed them I was being quiet, they’d follow suit.  No deal!  Nobody cared.  Not even my husband seemed concerned.  (Or everyone realized that the baby probably will sleep through anything or would possibly wake up even if there was total silence.  So they were going to enjoy their vacation anyway.) 

   Finally, it was time to go to bed.  With our heads on the pillow, my husband and I kissed good-night, and I started to unwind.  Then he starts.  Not my son…my husband.  He’s snoring!  I always wear earplugs at home and can somehow manage.  But the baby!  Sure enough, our son wakes up to the noise (which the following year he would shout out – “Truck!” when hearing his dad’s snoring).  It’s close to 1:00 a.m.; he’s crying and I’m very aware that everyone in the house is trying to sleep and we’re in such close quarters. I panic.  I cry silently. I change his diaper, grab another bottle and curl up on the couch.  It’s freezing.  No doubt that the men in this place have cranked up the air.  So I shiver, figuring all the blankets were in the various bedrooms.  At least I’d grabbed Luke’s blankie to keep him warm.   Together, we eventually fell asleep.  Like clockwork, he is up and ready to go at 6:00 a.m.  If every night is going to be like this, it’s going to be a long week and coffee will inevitably be my best friend!

   Now we get to enjoy our first official day.  My mom wants to go to shopping this morning.  Immediately I feel guilty for asking my husband to spend our first morning of vacation with our baby.  I know I shouldn’t but I do.  And then I question my thoughts for doubting that I should.  Though I’m happy to be spending one-on-one time with my mom, I can’t get my mind off my baby boy.  We rush back, sooner than we would’ve in the past, just in time to give him his bottle for his morning nap.  Everyone is heading to the beach now; I assure them I’m happy to stay in the room while he sleeps.  Maybe I’ll nap a little, too.  And I do. 

   Before I know it, it’s lunch time.  We all eat together and it’s time to pack our beach bag, making sure I have plenty of milk and snacks, and the tent and towels and the float.  I slather my son in SPF 50 and top him off with a pretty stylin’ hat.  I grab my magazine.  On the way to the beach, we pass the hotel tiki bar.  Zac and I should definitely grab a cocktail before dinner one evening.  What fun!  Yeah, like this every actually happens!

   Finally set up at the beach, my dad is upstairs napping and their friends have chosen the pool.  Seems as though spending ample amounts of time with my cute little baby isn’t first on their vacation checklist. Hmmm!  But my mom is with us and she enjoys every second of hugging and playing with our little beachgoer…whom by the way, loves the ocean!  He crawls in and out of the tide pools, splashing away.  His daddy finds a little crab and he watches in amazement as it tickles his arm.  

   We decide it’s time to try out the pool.  We bought this awesome little raft with a sunshade and our angel enjoys the pool just as much as the ocean…he is our water baby and that pleases us immensely.  I’m happy to be in the pool because I think this hides those last few pounds of baby weight and I have fun swimming around his float and playing little games.  We return to the beach and to my mom and my dad (whose had a nice nap); my husband takes Luke out into the late afternoon sea.  He goes out far, safe in his daddy’s arms.  They jump the waves and my little boy doesn’t flinch when he gets splashed in the face.  With a huge grin on his face, hair slicked back with the salty water, my baby looks like a natural. 

   I am sitting in a chair, finally semi-relaxing and overwhelmed with happiness.  I may not be sipping a cocktail while reading up on Jennifer Aniston’s latest beau…but this is the closest to my vision of a family vacation, and I’ve waited for it my whole life.  There will be sleep and magazines again in my future, but at least I get to soak in these moments…and the sunshine…now!  

How Much is Too Much?

It's a discussion I joke around with my friends about frequently.  We poke fun and laugh about the fact we all revel in a glass or sometimes a bottle, of wine.  After a stressful day, there's nothing like sitting down and having that first sip, feeling your shoulders relax and your worries slip away.  After awhile, this may be that one thing you look forward to after a hectic day.  That one moment of utter peace, no matter how quickly it fades.

I believe I was blessed without an addictive bone in my body.  I know this for a fact because in my experimental, wild partying days...I long ago would have been addicted to something, anything - most definitely drinking.  I always had the ability to pick up something, then stop without a second thought.  I've seen friends and family go the other direction though...and it makes me wonder what in my genetics makes me immune to such things.  Why some people have a vice that takes over their lives, and other people can control it.  It doesn't seem fair...however because I'm at the positive end of that ratio I'll take it without too many complaints.

I've went months where the only drink I ever picked up was on the weekend, depending if we were at a social event.  Then there's times where I have at least a glass of wine every night.  Especially lately, because the stress from work and trying to balance life in general has me so tuned up all the time I need something to help me relax.  I've decided due to calorie intake, no more wine Monday-Thursday.  Just like that.  Instead, I've started running again to release the stress and anxiety.  I'm assuming I'll have better, healthier results...don't you think? While I thoroughly enjoy having a glass of wine while I cook...it's really not a big deal.  

I wonder, how much is too much?  When do you cross the line into that place where you can't go back?  I read an article recently about a mom who started putting wine in her coffee mug in the morning.  She started noticing that she was shaking and had this urge to drink, starting as early as 9:30 am.  I don't know about you, but I can't even imagine drinking wine at 9:30 am.  Back in my twenty's, we had a few camping trips where the early mornings began with Boone's farm. Who didn't at that age!? Now I think...noon maybe, but 9:30?   No, coffee please!  

So, I ask you, how much is too much? For me, too much of anything is when I lose control.  That goes with eating, drinking....anything.  If I feel the control slipping, I re-evaluate because I hate the feeling that I don't have a good grip on the reins.  And when it comes to my life, I like to be the one steering...

Which Season Are You Better At Mothering? Newborns, Infants, Toddlers, Preschoolers, etc.

Were you the perfect mom for a newborn?  Are you finding yourself with a knack for the testing toddlers? Maybe your crafty and playful side is a grand match with preschoolers versus your awkward days with infants. Who knows, you may be the meticulous, superstar soccer mom balancing school schedules, practices, recitals, dinner and bedtime. Or maybe you remember your wild teenage days which will keep you one step ahead of your raging teen.

Today, with my 3 1/2-year-old pushing the envelope at every waking moment, I'm starting to think this isn't my best inning in this game of parenthood. If this were Survivor , I'm pretty sure he's on the verge of outwitting, outplaying and outlasting me...even making a fool of me twice as I chased this naked little boy down in our neighborhood - and that was just today!

It wasn't long ago, though, I felt like a pro. Or maybe in hindsight I feel that way, though I probably didn't at the time. Keeping steady, I'd study my hand and play the right cards. I read all the books on raising happy babies and toddlers and kids. I could redirect rather than raise my voice. And he listened, brilliantly.

And then he turned two. He started testing me, but was a child of respect and "no" meant no and "don't" meant don't. Sure, he'd try all the crazy things boys like to do. He'd climb too high at the playground. He'd make me crazy trying to get him strapped in his car seat. He couldn't resist grabbing anything in his reach.

And now...he's 3.

And he's calling my bluff.

The book 1-2-3 Magic used to work like a charm for me. Now he counts to three for me. When we get to three, he laughs. I take him to his room for time out and he repeatedly opens his door - taunting me to give in or give up.  When I say "stay here" -he goes there. When I say "stop" -he runs.

The wildest part of this ride is that when he's not testing me, he's an angel.  The most polite, sweet little boy I've ever met. He thanks me for taking him to the park. He gives me many hugs throughout the day expressing "Mom, I just love you sooo much, I'm going to give you a great big hug now!" And he does.  And its wonderful. He likes to snuggle and he loves to read with me. But lest I leave just a moment of time for him to get bored or distracted...game on!

I've started reading more books on discipline and am trying to dedicate my every day to being consistent with my discipline and establishing a routine.  I know our big move has heightened sensitivities in our home and we've all been adapting.  This may not be my strongest season of motherhood, but I know overall I'm a great mom and there will always be moments like these test our whole soul.  And drive us just a little bit mad. So whether you're in your strongest quarter of your game or struggling to get through to the next period, remember that beyond everything you are a fantastic mom...otherwise you wouldn't care enough to worry about it!   At least that's my mom told me! ;)

Kony 2012 Creator’s Breakdown

When I heard about Jason Russell’s breakdown, I was heartbroken.   I knew that this would only once again bring attention away from what we should be focused on—the tragedy in Africa; and turn it towards scrutiny against the man behind the brilliant documentary.

 Through TMZ you can view the Kony 2012 creator pacing the sidewalks of a very busy street, naked and ranting.  I hated watching it.  For one, I hate to see someone publicly humiliate themselves like that, no matter who you are.  Secondly, for someone to be so broken down…someone who cared so deeply about a cause that he put his entire life on the line—that alone is so disappointing.

I can’t speak to whether his claims are true; he was exhausted, stressed from all the public criticism.  I think after putting your heart and soul into something and in return getting any negative feedback—well, it could be damaging for sure.  But does it really matter?  Does it matter if he was drunk?  Heck, I’d probably be drunk too!  Does it matter if he was high?  Not really.

What matters is that children in Africa are being murdered and raped because a man is still on the loose that should be captured and killed.  It matters that Americans have the ability to make a difference by simply paying attention –if nothing else, and making others aware of what’s going on.  Knowledge is power, and America has more power than most other countries.   What matters is caring about something other than putting down another human being simply because he’s following his passion and supporting a cause—while many other Americans are too selfish and ignorant to even consider doing the same.  It’s not that I’m not proud of my country; it’s just sometimes the people’s actions in it disgust me.

Jason, we don’t care about your breakdown.  We all have skeletons in our closets; we all have had those very publicly embarrassing moments in one way or another.  Keep up the good work; many people are still supporting you and the cause!  ~ Trina 

The Dos And Don'ts of Moving With Young Kids

Tomorrow, my family and I will celebrate one week in our new home!  One week!  Oh, but this means so much more than it looks right now as I read it on my computer screen.  Let's be real, though. It's been 20 days since we've begun this journey we call moving. (I won't count the five weeks of preparation that preceded said move.)  

In between several meltdowns this week, many of my friends have quoted to me that moving is one of the top stresses in life.  And I've found that to be quite true.  Especially with two little ones in tow.  So I want to share a little of what I learned and help anyone else out there who may one day make a move with one or two or more of their young children.  Help me, help you. 

*This written for a move requiring a relocation by car more than five hours from where you were living, with no family (moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles) in either location, and on a smart family budget. 

DON'T have your kids around on moving day.  Hire a babysitter on moving day. This may change the whole stress level of your entire move.  Had we hired a babysitter or even sent our kiddos to a friend's house that last day, we could've saved many tears and changed the tone of the move.  No matter how much you think you've done to be ahead of schedule, there is just so much to do that last day.  It isn't fair to your kids, to have them hang around with no chance of staying "out of the way" the entire day...much less an hour.  I can almost guarantee you'll also get double the amount of packing, loading and cleaning done without having them at your feet.  

DO explain to your kids in advance that you will be moving soon so that they have time to get used to the idea (as much as they can in their little minds).  This will also give them a better understanding of the big picture when it comes time to say good-bye to their friends.  If you're moving to a new state, buy a book about that state and be excited about the new place when you read it.  Share with your child all the cool things you know about the new place, including pictures of your new house if you have them. 

DO take your time on the drive. Roll the windows down (if it's nice, of course) and crank up some good ol' James Taylor and enjoy the drive.  Stop every couple of hours and let your kids run around.  I have a friend who advised to stop for lunch at a place with a playland and let the kids run wild.  Then have them eat in the car.  You get a little break and they get some much-needed fun.  And this may result in a nice long nap for them!

DON'T let your kids see you sweat.  You will be stressed throughout your move. You will want to snap at your children when your mind is running down the list of one million things you need to do in a short amount of time in order to get settled.  But you've got time.  Make a list of what needs to be done and set each with a priority level.  Some things really don't need to be done right away.  Some things do.  Decide and stay cool!

DO take time each day that you're settling to get the kids out of the house.  Whether its to the local playground or out for an ice cream cone. I know you want to stay inside and get things done, but you will appreciate the break too.  And their smiles will make it worth it!

DON'T worry if you want to fall asleep at 8:00pm instead of staying up past their bedtime to get even more done.  Sleep.  Everything will still be there tomorrow and you'll be better off if you do!

DO make sure you keep their favorite comfort item with them the entire way from the last packing day, the road trip, the hotel stay and move-in day.  Whenever they get a little insecure or nervous about all the change, they'll know that not everything is changing.

DON'T feel bad if you are feeling so much on your shoulders! Take a deep breath.  Take it one day at a time.  You will be settled soon enough. 

DO kiss and hug and cuddle your children often through this journey. Make them smile and laugh.  Remind them that you love them and that you are not going anywhere...you will always be by their side!

DO get out and have fun as a family that first night. Celebrate! Remember, this is an exciting new adventure!

DO call your friends and cry to them when you are feeling overwhelmed.  If your friends* are anything like mine, you will feel 100% relieved after you talk to them and it'll save your husband and your kids from seeing you upset!

And finally, and maybe most importantly...

DO have lots of wine on hand.  If you need a glass at naptime, so be it.  If a glass at 4pm right before the hubs gets home from work, go for it.  You will be amazed at how one glass of wine can take your stress level from a raging 10 to a happy and mellow 2.  

*For all of you who have listened to me this week, who are always there for me, I thank you and love you!  

Who Said Moving Can Be Stressful?

After all, I am a pro.

Not only will this be my 10th state to move to, I've probably moved a couple of times in half of those states. So you get rid of the excess, debate with your husband on what is worthy of getting rid of (select precious newborn outfits from when our babies were so new or his 20-year-old microwave from college that has several groovy stickers on it), pack it all up and load it into a truck.  In a way, this is one way to really "spring clean."  Otherwise, I don't think I would've found the energy to sort through all of our closets and drawers in an effort to simplify.

So what does make moving so stressful?  Is it the money?  You have to cancel your cable and electric and while you're waiting 6-8 weeks for those deposits to be returned; we're paying deposits on our new cable and electric.    Then we're trying to eat up all the perishables in the house.  But doesn't that mean when we get there, we'll have to stock our fridge again with our usual salad dressings, ketchup, honey mustard, butter, and pina colada mixer?

And then there are all of the questions.  How quickly do I want to find work?  And where?  How soon will I start the boys in preschool? And where?  When can I get them into swim lessons?  Where will I grocery shop?  Get gas?  Can I start new routines right off the bat?  New bedtime routines?  New expectations? We

Our dog is tweaking out.  With each box packed he's looking at us for reassurance that we are indeed bringing him (and we wouldn't have it any other way!).  Our kids, especially Luke, says things like "I can't wait to move to Florida! Does Batman live in Florida?" one minute; "I don't want to move to Florida, I want Florida to go away" the next.

As I get closer to the move, there is the rush of sadness in realizing I am leaving behind good friends.  Picture this movie-style...as I drive by (rain pouring down my window) the parks we've played at, the beaches we swam at and the libraries we read - I can hear a little Natalie Merchant playing in the background as I hear the echoes of laughter with my friends as we talked about the crazy things our kids are always doing. In the excitement of the big move, the "we'll see you soon" disclaimer always seemed to make me feel better.  At least I go with a great feeling that I have great friends here!  And there have been so many great times here!

No wonder I snapped at the hubster the other night when the DVR forced him into choosing between Intervention and Smash.  Just about to climb into bed for a good night's sleep, excited about catching Smash the very next morning; I saw the DVR message light up the screen asking him the question "Zac, which one will you delete?" - I darted out to the living room, jumping over the couch - well, almost - "what are you doing, which one are you about to delete?!"  He looked at me stunned, most likely thinking this is just TV.  I grabbed the remote and swiftly cancelled Intervention.  And I stormed off to bed.

The next morning we chalked it up to unusual behavior based by stress from our move.  I've seen a few of these moments like these.  And I wondered why I could get so worked up.  How can I possibly be "stressed."  This is a good thing, overall, this move. So I made a list, I'm going to stick by it and enjoy my last week here in Charleston.  Taking time to breathe and just live in the day.  One day at a time.  Nothing crazy.  It's just a move.  No stress here.  And if you believe me, you should try it sometime!   

Doing it All

I am often asked by friends and family how I do it all.  They want to know how the heck I take two young children to two different places in the morning, make it to work, work an 8 hour day, then turn around, get both kids…head home…cook a home cooked meal, then clean the kitchen, give baths, story-time…etc, etc.  You get the point.

So I got all geared up to write this article.  And my fingers hovered over the keyboard for several minutes…and nothing.  How do I do it?  How am I not nuts…or, maybe I am nuts but how am I still doing it all.  I could give you my daily schedule, tell you I’m not stressed most of the time, that I have it all figured out and hold it all together.  That I know exactly all the secrets to time management and organization.  I know the tricks to multitasking and ultimately always get the job done.  But—that would be total BS!

There are days I wake up and am threatening to rip both my children’s heads off (you think I’m kidding!) if they don’t get a move on it.  Callie loves to sleep in and is a bear cat in the morning!  Clayton isn’t much better.  I can’t count the days I’ve driven to work crying because I was going to be late, the kids just weren’t cooperating, I’d forgotten Callie’s lunch, or all the other things that could and did go wrong that morning. 

There’s also been many nights I’ve had breakdowns because my house wasn’t clean.  I have serious OCD about my house, and can’t handle it being dirty or messy.  Working full time and having two young children makes this nearly impossible…but I can’t convince my brain.  So, Shannon being the great husband he is helps extra that night, giving baths and helping me fold the laundry afterwards. 

The top tips to making my household run smoothly, when it does, are simple: make your menu for the week, then your grocery list by aisle.  If you want to cook healthy meals, you should be shopping on the outer skirts of the grocery store mainly (dairy, produce, fresh foods).  Do a load of laundry every other night.  Enlist your hubby’s help to split chores, then pick one day consistently to do them.  Our day is Saturday or Sunday am for floors, deep kitchen cleaning, and bathrooms.  The hubby should also be helping for bath nights, story nights, whatever works for you.  If you are a working mommy, then you should not be doing it all!  Some husbands cook (mine doesn’t, which is okay because I love cooking!)  so you can trade off cooking nights as well.  Have a schedule on your fridge for groceries, meals (then you remember what meats to take out to thaw) what you need to remember for your kids backpack the next day, lunches…so on and so forth.  Crock pot meals work great for soccer and basketball practice nights. 

I think the best tip of all is knowing your limits.  I know the amount of me time I require and if I don’t get it, then watch out!  It can get ugly.  Another thing to note is that I have more energy than most people…I can do five things at once as long as it gets the job done.  It may not be up to your standards, but it works for me!  I eat, type, clean, talk,  and think faster than the average person, because that’s how I’m made!  I’ve given up trying to slow down, although many of my bosses and friends have told me I need to.  This is how I am, and it’s the reason for so many of my strengths, including being able to do so much.   If you are detail oriented, meticulous person…your list will just have to be much shorter.   You take the time to make sure everything is in order and perfect, thus, there is just simply less time.  This is good too!

In addition...some great advice a friend once told me…do what works for you; stop trying to be someone else or do things the way they do (I guess this means I’ll never be Martha Stewart!  Crap!).   ~Trina